


there at the end

by avengingwinchesterangels



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Gen, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 17:07:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5098523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avengingwinchesterangels/pseuds/avengingwinchesterangels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer Reid left Derek Morgan one last good bye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there at the end

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this during my Criminal Minds marathon. Hope you enjoy!!!!!

Derek was standing at the back of the ambulance in tears. Spencer was dead and he couldn't say what needed to be said. He had let the truth go unsaid. He couldn't get the blood off his hands from where he had held his Pretty Boy as he died. His last breath had been Derek's name.

He brushed the tears away as Hotch walked up to Derek grim as always with a stack of journals in hand. He handed them to Derek with a “these are from Reid. I haven't read them because they're for you. He gave me the last one just yesterday.” he handed the journals over and walked away to leave Derek with his grief.

Derek waited until he was locked in his hotel room to start reading. Derek started with the oldest one. He opened it after he had showered. He put his headphones in and turned on some r&b fully prepared to tune the world out.

_Dear Derek,_

_if you are reading this then I'm dead. I have some things to tell you but I can't say them in person because I don't think I can handle the rejection in person. It would probably kill me. It's just after the Fisher King case. You had put the fire out when the bomb had went off._   
_I'm not sure when I realized I was attracted to you. It may have been the day we met. You had smiled and teased me while ruffling my hair. Despite not wanting physical contact I am a tactile person. I loved it when you would tease me and mess with my hair. You called me Pretty Boy and over time I came to believe it._   
_I came to believe that I could be pretty to another person. Anytime you teased me and called me nicknames I reveled in having your attention even if seeing you go home with someone new every night hurt. Nobody knew because even as profilers we had promised not to profile each other but I still hid how I felt because again rejection. The job we work is hard, exhausting and gory but at the same time beyond satisfying._   
_It helped that I could turn to you. You didn't care that I would call you at three in the morning to vent about the nightmares. You may never read this so I guess I can vent how I feel about you here._

Derek paused to take in what he had read. Pretty Boy had believed that he was pretty. Derek didn't know why he called him that just that it had felt good. He had been attracted to Derek even learning what he did. Derek wondered what the other journals held. It was that curiosity that kept him reading. Several letters later he had come across a scary gem that made him examine his own feelings.

_Dear Derek,_

_this may be the last letter you get from me. The Diluiad has won. I can't keep up this fight. Gideon left and I can't cope with that on top of this. It will probably be you that finds my body when I don't report for work on time. I can't deal with my feelings for you on top of my addiction._   
_I've come to realize that I feel more for you than I thought. It was just after the Hankel case and you had pulled me close just wanting to know I was still alive. That touch was what kept me going. When I had been admitted to the hospital following the case it was you who kept me going. I didn't tell you about the Diliuad because I didn't want to see the disappointment in your eyes._   
_I know that if you don't get this letter then you did find out and I had to see that disappointment and use it as a reason to get clean. If I did get clean then it was because of you. I probably gave you a spare key and you made me go to NA meetings. Because of you I would fight an addiction that is almost as bad as heroin. If I did get clean it was all because of you._   
_If I didn't make it it wasn't because of you. It was all just too much and I can not handle any more. I don't want to become like the people we hunt. It would only have been a matter of time before I became the people I tried so hard not to be. If I didn't make it forgive me._

Derek sat back and thought about it. It was scary to see how close Spencer had been to losing it all. Derek closed his eyes and tried to breathe. He fought the urge to scream. Once he was back in control he kept reading. Several letters went by when he came across the one from Spring Break in FL. Derek had gotten shot in the stairwell by the UNSUB.

Derek remembered Spencer sitting in his hospital room writing in a journal. He had teased the younger agent while his pain meds wore off and he was waiting to get released. Derek gave a small laugh at the memory. He had tousled Spencer's hair and said “So, Pretty Boy, what are you writing about? What secrets of the universe do you know that you won't divulge to the rest of us?” he had slung an arm around Spence's shoulders as he slowly walked out of the hospital. It had felt right for his arm to be there.

_Dear Derek,_

_I wonder if you'll be around to read these letters. You had just got shot on a case and I had to face my feelings. I was denying them content with being friends but I guess I will have to continue settling because I don't know if you will ever return my feelings. I realized as I watched you sleep after surgery that I love you. You are more than a friend. More than family to me._   
_I cannot explain that but it's true. I want all your attention, your affections, your touch. I want everything you offer me and more. I will never act on how I feel but I will always be a closet possessive. In my eyes you are mine. Everyone else is encroaching on my territory._   
_It's sad I should realize this only when I think you are to die but watching the rise and fall of your chest as you sleep, it reassures me that you live to fight another day. I watch you sleep and wonder if you could ever feel for me how I feel for you. If you could ever love me the way I love you. This was meant to be my way of saying I love you should something ever happen to me but now it's also my way of saying I love you after you stare death in the face once more._

Derek stopped there and packed for the plane ride home. He boarded the plane and said nothing to anybody. Nobody bothered him. They knew he had been hit by the loss the hardest. He would take the most to recover if he ever did. The probability of his recovery was slim and he knew that.

_Dear Derek,_

_it's now three in the morning and I'm watching you sleep with an ice pack on your chest after getting shot by the UNSUB again. By now I know how you take your coffee. I know how your breath hitches when I shoot you that grin that lights up your world when it gets too dark from the current case. I know that subconsciously you love me but have not admitted it to yourself. All the signs are there but if I believed that you did and you turned me down?_   
_We both know I would never survive so once more I content myself with being friends. I know you inside and out but I will never act on what I know. I guess that's why Garcia, bless her heart, keeps putting us together. I knew the risks when I took this job. I didn't think that I would fall in love with you._   
_By now I am rambling because I've been up for 28 hours, 42 minutes, and 27 seconds. I will call it quits once I change the ice pack and make sure you have some pain meds for when you wake up. Just know that I do it because I love you._

Derek put the journals down to do paperwork. He was asked to describe his best friend's death in detail and he cried while doing it. Once he had filed the paperwork Hotch told him “Take the week off then take the next one as well. We need you but this hit you harder than the rest.”

_Dear Derek,_

_I have a bad feeling about tomorrow. I don't think one of us is going to walk away from this encounter. I can't sleep because I dream about it and it scares me. If I do die tomorrow then I can proudly say I died a happy man. I love you Derek Morgan. Odds are I die in your arms because you killed the UNSUB. I may be an autistic genius with a 187 IQ but I was also a man in love. There never was anybody else for me. It was always you. Thank you for the memories. There are some things I wish I could change but all in all I am proud of the things I have accomplished in life. You helped me be the man I never would have been. I will see you again I have no doubt._

**Dear Pretty Boy,**

**you were right. I do love you. It's a little late but better late than never right? You've given me a fair share of heart attacks over the years. If I do face down the next UNSUB and not survive I'm not gonna fight for my life because there's nothing keeping me here anymore. I realize now there was so much I missed out on and I'm sorry. Do you forgive me for never saying it? I can never say it enough. I love you Spencer Reid. I guess now it's kind of pointless but I will say it till the day my heart stops beating.**   
**I can say you were right. I did love you even if subconsciously. I wish now I had said something to you. Maybe I'll start reading some of the books I took out of your apartment. They wanted to give your stuff away but I can't part with it. I kept all of it. Clooney misses you. I miss you. He sits by the door and whines. It breaks my heart so much that I take him running all the time. I run all the time because I'm running from your ghost.**   
**I can't sleep. I barely eat. I survive mainly on coffee. You were the sugar addict out of all of us. God I loved that about you. I can't even begin that list. It would take up too much paper. I loved everything about you. I wish I had acted on it.**

Several years went by. The BAU still took on cases. People came and went. Morgan was a constant. Along with Garcia. Anybody who met the agent would describe him as empty, lifeless. He never laughed anymore. He was always on edge. The BAU couldn't fire him because he was damn good at his job. The team fell apart after Spencer's death.

What surprised the team the most was that Morgan held out as long as he did. They had all pegged him as suicidal but for five years he kept running from a ghost and taking men down in Spencer's name. Clooney died two years after Spencer and Morgan never got another dog. Finally a case came up that seemed a lot like deja vu to Morgan.

Less than two days after the case had been taken, Morgan was dead. He was buried next to Spencer as per his will. His family understood that after Spencer he had not been all there. He was a shell of a man. He left all of his stuff for his family to go through. His family as they stood by his grave understood that he was happy at last.

FIN


End file.
